


Pigeons Know All

by KatsuDONE3c



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Conspiracy, Crack, I dont know anything about police and it shows, Other, crack and humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 13:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20528957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatsuDONE3c/pseuds/KatsuDONE3c
Summary: When a distraught skater enters the Moscow police station and demands the inexplicable, it's up to Chief Nikiforov to..deal..with it...This is just an idea I had and couldn't help but bring to life..





	Pigeons Know All

**Author's Note:**

> Pure crack. Like idek what's going on, neither does Viktor tbh. I know nothing about police or their rankings. This is just meant to be humor. Also this is my first YOI fic. Ever really. Hope you guys like it!

Being the Chief of police in a town as busy as Moscow, Viktor was no stranger to, well, strange. “Okay, yeah no, Chief we’re gonna need your help with this one.” 

Looking up from his paperwork Viktor’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Is something wrong?” He asked getting up from his desk walking toward his Lieutenant Christophe. “With this guy? Yes definitely. Come on.” He finished out the door with Viktor in tow. 

Usually his officers are able to handle most cases without bothering him, only needing him at the end with the reports and any signatures. The crowd at the scene he expected, but he was not expecting his men holding back one of his own men.

“For the last time you fucking idiot there are no cameras in th-“ 

“What seems to be the problem!” He shouted over Yuri’s would be tantrum. The crowd parted revealing a young, attractive, asian man standing in the middle of a crowd of officers. His face twisted in frustration, his brown eyes locking with Viktor’s shining with determination.

“Hi are you in charge?” The man asked turning towards Viktor, all the other officers watched with interest.

“Yes I am, How can I help you?” The man turned serious looking at the restrained blonde officer before looking back at Viktor.

“I know it’s part of your job to act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, but this is extremely important to me. I need a video the pigeons took.” He said looking at Viktor hopefully.

What?

“I’m sorry what?” Viktor responded looking around to his peers, hoping for some kind of explanation, maybe it was a prank, maybe they were all in on it, maybe he heard incorrectly?

“Did you say pigeons?” Viktor asked to clarify and the man nodded eagerly. “Yeah the pigeons they saw the whole thing, I know if you look at the footage the mugger will be there!” He exclaimed as the crowd burst out in groans and rolling eyes. 

“I’m sorry were you mugged? Are you filing a repo-“

“Pigeons don’t fucking have cameras you fucking moron, what’s wrong with you? Let me go!” Yuri shouted still being held back by Mila and Georgi.

“Look, I get it and I’m sorry I upset you but this is an emergency, I get that they tell you to keep it a secret, to hide it from the public but I’m telling you, the pigeons know! They know and they’re the fastest way of getting my skates back please! Help me!” He pleaded looking at Viktor desperately, however Viktor could barely follow what he was saying. 

“Ok let’s all calm down and take this step by step, um Mister…”

“Katsuki, his names Yuuri Katsuki.” Yuri answered now standing on his own seeming to have slightly calmed down. Suddenly the skates made since.

“Oh Japan's ace?” Viktor said somewhere between delighted and extremely confused. He had assumed that this man had escaped from a psych ward, not from the ISU rooster.

A slight flush covered his face, now that Viktor saw him closer he could see it now, if his hair were styled different and his glasses off, he would be one of the figure skaters Viktor, and some of his officers, follow. 

“Um yes I’m a figure skater and actually that’s why It’s so important that I get the footage, you see someone stole my skates from me, but the pigeons were there, they saw the whole thing you could find out who stole them and I could get them back right?” 

Silence.

“So you were mugged?” Yuri asked beside Viktor. “You can report a mugging and we can investigate that and then we can check you into a psych ward of cour-“

Japan’s ace let out a frustrated groan. Shaking his head he continued. 

“No! An investigation would take too long, I’m sorry but I don’t have the time! I have to compete in the Rostelecom cup, it’s my only chance of getting in the Grand Prix If I forfeit its over I can’t…” he choked up, his eyes watering. 

He looked so sad, so defeated. For a minute Viktor really felt for him and by the looks on a few of the surrounding officers so did they. Until he opened his mouth again.

“The pigeons saw it, I swear. They know who took them, the pigeons know!” 

The group groaned simultaneously, Viktor saw Yuri preparing to charge the man, the call to restrain him once again on the tip of his younger until a further commotion down the hall got all their attention.

“YUURI! KATSUKI YUURI!” A tan skinned boy ran down the hall, whipping his head around until spotting the group of officers. “YUURI KATSUKI! Where are you!”

“Phichit?” Yuuri asked looking toward his friend looking like he wanted to run away. 

Phichit ran up to Yuuri hugging him, trying to regain his breathing.

“Oh officers thank god you found my lunatic best friend. Thank you officers! Thank you!" He cried hanging off of Yuuri's shoulder. Yuuri turned, an annoyed expression on his face.

"Phichit stop, don't do this you know I'm desperate, the pigeons are my only hop-" 

"Yes! Yes! Your pigeons! Don't worry Yuuri we'll get all the videos and records from the pigeons!" He said loudly using air quotes patronizingly, even winking at the officers like it was a joke, as he began to push the protesting man out towards the front door.

"No! Peach stop! I need help and they might- Ow! Don't!" He flailed but was ultimately led out of the building by the younger man. 

Russia's finest stood dumbstruck just staring at the door before a loud clap jolted them out of their confusion. 

"Whelp, that was exciting, and it seems that it's also resolved, so let's get back to work shall we?" Watching as all his officers went back to what they were doing before, well almost all.

"Careful Yuri, that anger is gonna make you all wrinkly before you're even a deputy." 

"I am a deputy. And I can't help it! You just let a mentally ill celebrity walk out the station like he isn't a risk of injury to someone!" Yuri raged while stomping, pointing out how childish he looked when he did that probably won't help right now. Especially since they all knew why he was reacting so hard.

"Yuri you know just because your favorite skater didn't meet your expectations in person, doesnt mean his skating will be affected." He watched as the younger man slightly deflated before a second wave of rage flared up in him. However Viktor didn't give him a chance to continue his yelling.

"You know I might be wrong. In all fairness I still believe this was a poorly thought out prank and those skaters might just be assholes wasting police time." He said to a frowning Yuri. The young blonde just shook his head reluctantly returning to work.

Well that's the end of that. Viktor thought heading back to his office. 

It wasn't the end of that.

Normally Viktor enjoyed his morning walks from his home to the station because it included a shortcut through the beautiful park he would usually walk Makka in on his days off. Today however, was another story.

A giant group of pigeons fought their way through an equally giant group of people...brawling? Viktor rushed toward the epic battle only to come across his own men and… more figure skaters.

Was he going crazy or was that actually Christophe holding Otabek Altin on the floor trying to confiscate a net(?) from his hands. Or was Yuri actually in a tug of war with Leo de la Iglesias over a large mesh net. Behind them Yuuri Katsuki and Phichit Chulanont were throwing crumbs? 

"I got one!" Viktor whipped around in time to be tackled by… freaking Sueng-gil Lee. They both went down to the ground, Lee's surprised facing being the most emotion Viktor has ever seen from the skater. 

"Are you alright?" He asked as he got up. Only then did Viktor notice the bundle of netting in his arms. 

"Is that a pigeon?" His voice hoarse from having the wind knocked out of him. Suddenly the shouting became clearer, closer.

"Seung-gil got one! Yuuri! Phichit! Seung-gil got one!" Someone shouted. Viktor stood up to access the situation, the only logical thing he could think of was to arrest all of them for causing a public disturbance and animal cruelty but none of them had actually hurt the animals.

"Get the hammer!"

He spoke too soon.

"Woah, Woah, Woah!" Yuri shouted drawing his taser on Seung-gil and finally silence reigned. "Put the fucking hammer down and let the bird go!" He screamed. The skaters all shared a look until all eyes landed on Yuuri Katsuki.

"The Rostelecom cup is in three days! This is our only lead! They don't understand but I need your help please!" He pleaded with Leo who was in fact holding the hammer. 

"Wait you're not actually going to smash an innocent bird with a hammer are you?" Viktor asked. Yuuri gave him a strained look. "It's not like it's an actual living thing!" The nods and murmurs of agreement confused Viktor.

"Is this real life?" Christophe asked himself. "Okay, okay. Let's all just calm down we're all a bit hysterical and the best thing to do is proceed with a calm mind. Mr. Lee would you please let the pigeon go?" Sueng-gil shook his head. 

"Sorry but no, I didn't plan on proving it like this but this is a chance I've been waiting for. These bastards need to know the truth. Also Katuski needs his skates." He said keeping a tight grip on the net with the flailing bird.

"Okay. Mr. Iglesias at least put down the hammer." Leo's eyes kept flickering from the bird to the hammer.

"Its hardware is durable but I think a hammer can get through. We're so close." He mumbled keeping the hammer in hand.

Viktor's eyes met Yuri's and they exchanged wtf looks. 

"What the actual fuck is the matter with you people pigeons aren't government conspiracues!" Yuri shouted not putting his gun down.

"Have you ever seen a baby pigeon!" Guang-Hong Ji shouted behind Leo. Yuri was taken aback.

"What the fuck is that even suppose to mean?" He yelled. Then everything just went so fast.

"Seung-gil on the floor!" Otabek screamed coming behind Yuri and bodily grabbing him and falling behind Yuri on instinct shot his gun thankfully not hitting anyone. Seung-gil forced the pigeon on the floor while Leo loomed over it hammer already in motion. 

"NO!" Viktor and Chris shouted both looking away as the hammer was brought down right on top of the pigeons head. 

Viktor couldn't look. It was one thing to look at human bodies all mangled and crushed but a poor pigeons that was alive just a minute ago. No. He couldn't. He didn't look until he heard Yuri in a quiet voice of disbelief say "Oh my God." 

Preparing himself for the worst, Viktor slowly turned around ready for the gore. However he was not ready for what he saw. 

The pigeons head was crushed exposing wires and metal chunks coming out of its neck. 

"Oh my God." He heard Christophe breathe. Then Leo de la Iglesias hit it again and again exposing more and more of it robotic insides to the world. Then with a jolt he put down the hammer and removed a familiar piece of machinery from the remains. 

"Oh my God." Viktor whispered as a smirking Seung-gil held up the camera to Yuuri who's face lit up with joy. 

"There we'll know who took them now. We can get them back!" He smiled walking over to Viktor. "It's on camera it's proof right? You can find them now right?" He asked as if he didn't just expose the government and all its lies to the world. 

"How.. how are you so calm how did you know?" Chris asked voicing Viktor's feelings. Phichit just comes next to them and says, "Come on, everyone knows. The Pigeons know all."

**Author's Note:**

> Yup.


End file.
